She didn't really!

Okay, it's been awhile and so much has happened.  The day after I told Alex that until he got his World History grade to an A I was suspending his texting privileges and I didn't want to hear anything about a girlfriend or getting together.

Never would I have suspected that he would go to school and tell his girlfriend what happened, but that is exactly what he did.  I discovered this by noticing a wad of paper on the end table in the living area.  I opened up the wad of paper and this is what was hand written inside, "Dear Alex, If you can't text and if your dad said no dating then we can't be together.  I don't just want an at school relationship which is all it's going to be. Idk (text speak for "I don't know")what I'm saying, but it can't just be seeing each other at school.  Sorry, Ashley."

I called him up from downstairs and asked him how it went that day at school. I got the usual, "OK." I showed him the unfolded wad of paper and asked him what it was. He told me that in the morning he told Ashley what I had done and she walked away. Later she passed him that note. 

I asked him how it made him feel. He said he was sad for two hours.  He claimed to be over it. I then turned the discussion to the note and told him that I hoped that he could see what a selfish tone the note had.  It was full of I, I, I. I told him that in a real relationship he should expect anger over the situation, but that he also should expect understanding and patience. I told him that the note could have easily started out with, "Your dad is a jerk."  It then needed to include sentiments about understanding and a willingness to wait and see it through.  Instead all this girl thought about was herself.  He agreed.

The next day, none of his friends knew that they had broken up. When they asked him what was going on, he told them.  Independently, one-by-one, they each told him that she had done this to other guys.  That she really had her heart set on someone in the neighborhood and that every time he dumped her, she would find a guy to make him jealous.  This time it was Alex.

That night I mentioned to him that he seems to go out with the girls that want to go out with him and that he was allowing himself to be controlled by the girls. I told him that as a man, he needed to control the situation and that girls would have more respect for that and he would achieve a greater self respect for more manly action.

He's such a good boy. ..at least he claims to understand.  It's good to be the father of such a great son.

World History or the Girl

Today, I got an e-mail from Alex's school with his grades. He had a B- in World History.  I was disappointed and growing mad.  Alex has A's in every other subject and for some reason this one evades him.  Of all his classes, this one is the only one we are fearful of less than an A total grade.  I told Alex that I wanted to see all of his homework before he turned it in.  Today's e-mail showed three grades and I was unaware of any of the assignments.

I told Alex that a B- is unacceptable and that I am willing to help but he has to allow me to see assignments before they go in.  So I threatened him. I know, poor parenting and all, but sometimes it feels like it's the only real option, after all, I tried the gentle approach only to be blown off.

I told him that I didn't want to hear about his girlfriend wanting to get together or do anything until his grade got better.  If that didn't improve things then I would take away his texting capability (already limited) and if that didn't work I'd take away the cell phone.

I told him he had choices to make and if he couldn't I'd make them for him.

All right, no need to tell me what a bad father I am.  It felt bad doing it and it still feels bad.  When I got home I made a point of going to see him and explaining my disappointment in more rational terms.  He understands, or at least he claims to.

Windshield Wipers

Okay, it's not what you  think.  These windshield wipers are not the ones on cars, they're done in the gym. I've been working with my son for almost 18 months at the local YMCA and have asked him to try windshield wipers.  I demonstrate them and each time he just looks at me and says he can't.

Basically a windshield wiper is done by holding onto a bar located above your head. Then bring your feet up toward the ceiling. Once your body is in the shape of a U, begin rotating at your waist. Lowering your feet first to your left, then back up toward the ceiling then to your right.  Repeat the process.

Today, Alex agreed to give them a try.  The first time I held him up from behind and  he did three of them. Then he asked to try it by himself.  He did one. I was so proud of him.

So many lessons, so little time

It seems like there's so much to teach and I get frustrated wondering where to begin and where to have patience and where to trust.  I had a great revelation tonight that I hope helped Alex to begin to understand who he is and what his responsibilities are. 

We've been having trouble getting Alex to pay attention to the details as we used to say in the Army.  Leslie's been pushing participation in a great event and then getting frustrated when he doesn't step up to the plate as a leader. I get frustrated still doing the family laundry and evening dishes with a fourteen year old in the house. 

I realized that we may be piling too much on his plate.  So while we folded laundry I talked to him about the necessity of standing up for himself and not agreeing to do everything we recommend.  I told him he needs to begin to look at the totality of the commitment.

I know it's hard for a fourteen year old.  Oh another insight into how whacked we can be as parents.  Last night was parent teacher conferences at Park Hill South.  Alex has all As and one B.  He  had a 97% in his Biology class and all Leslie and I noticed was an F on a homework assignment.  I could tell even the teacher couldn't believe we zeroed in on the single F and seemingly didn't notice the 97% at the top.  I guess she is unaware of our campaign to get Alex to notice the details. 

Sometimes I have to just laugh at myself - and then cry a bit for Alex. Poor kid! I wouldn't trade him for the world!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

NSTR (Nothing Significant To Report) today.

Given that, I thought it would be a perfect time to give you a better understanding of who I am as a father.  I was in active duty as an Army Captain at the Civil Affairs Course in Ft Bragg, NC when Leslie got pregnant. I was still in training but knew I would be assigned to the unit that handled Europe and Africa. When I signed into that unit I was excited about being a father and so announced to all that I had reproduced!

As time went on I found myself staying home at Ft Bragg while everyone deployed to the Balkans.  I finally asked my boss what I had done prevents him from deploying me. He told me that since my wife was pregnant he was keeping me home but as soon as the baby was born he would send me away.  I couldn't believe my ears. I told him that while my wife was self contained, simply eating and sleeping it would be a perfect time to deploy me. Then once the baby was outside and she needed help, perhaps then keep me home. (The things you have to explain to some people!)

Basically, I got sent to Zagreb during Leslie's 6th month. I had everything time perfectly to be home for mid-tour leave for Alex's birth....the best laid plans of mice and men.  Alex was born while I was still in Europe and Leslie was home by the time I arrived back at Ft Bragg.  While I was away, the Croats invaded the UN Safe Haven (say it wasn't so) and some thought the UN would pull out. They didn't and so I went back for my final three months. 

So that's who I was - back then, more concerned about my career and my success - oblivious to my role as husband and father.  By the grace of God that changed.  Enough for now.  It's a good day to be a father again.

Alex is home cleaning so he can go out with his sweetheart on Saturday - I'll let you know how that goes.  bye.

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

Today was a day to lift up my son.  We go to the gym, Monday through Friday from 0600-0700.  It's the local YMCA. On Tuesdays and Thursdays we've started cardio because Alex wants to run in Track this spring. I really appreciate Bill Philips book, Body for Life.  Not having ever been in a gym before I was always intimidated by the machines and the people so I never went. Then in 2000 a friend of mine gave the book to his wife for Christmas. I saw it on their coffee table, looked at it, bought it and the rest is history.

Beyond Bill Phillips' plan I insist on working abs every day so this morning we did the elbow rest, first on the left side, then on the right.  This time rather than look at the clock for 60 seconds we made it a contest as to who could stay in position the longest. Alex won.

Then we went to the elliptical machines and did the Body for Life 20 minute workout. Kissed mom goodbye and went to the locker room to change for work/school.

I started working out with Alex when he was 13.  I'm amazed that every other father in the YMCA has commented on the fact that we are there together.  They all ask how I get Alex up so early to work out.  I tell them that he knows when we're leaving the house and he knows to be ready.  While they all seem to envy our situation, we remain the only father son team in over 18 months.  (Actually there is one other father son team, but they are half a generation older.)

If I have one piece of advice for father's with sons it would be to work out with them.  Form them physically as men.  I think that's one thing I miss the most about not having a father.

Monday, February 8th, 2010

I've told Alex before that I have the hardest job as a dad. I have to be the dad of a good son.

Today getting ready for school was rough. Alex forgot to get his band forms signed and mom was upset.  he woke up sore from snowboarding Saturday night with the scouts and didn't want to go to the gym.  I'm still trying to loose my Christmas pounds so no gym was not an option.

Alex was running behind and as I returned from walking the dog (and picking up the poop) I began to get upset about the garbage cans not out on the curb. 

On the way to the gym I told Alex that his job when he got home from school was to write a plan for himself that would enable him to do his chores.  I could tell he was upset with himself for running behind and not being better prepared for Monday morning. 

I was still upset about the garbage cans and so decided to make the work out at the gym one he would remember.  (Sometimes it seems I may be more drill sergeant than father.) We did our standard 300 crunches, then rolled over and knocked out our 100 push-ups and then headed downstairs to work our backs and use the bench press.

I could tell Alex was still upset.  I stopped him.  Took a break and this is what I said, "Alex, it's my job as your father to point out your shortcomings.  It's your job to recognize them in light of the fullness of who you are. This means that you don't over focus on the shortfall and get all depressed, but instead you look at it as a challenge and you figure out how to solve the problem."

I told him, "That's what separates men from boys.  Boys get upset over public mention of a shortfall. Men, however, recognize that they're not perfect but that they can always improve.  Men improve with a positive motivation to do better."

By the time we were showering, I had calmed down and I reordered his afternoon. I asked him what he had planned to clean in the house when he got home.  He told me he was going to vacuum.  I told him to do any homework he had first, then vacuum, then practice his trumpet and his piano and if there was time left to develop an improvement plan. I told him the improvement plan was his last priority and that I would accept the fact that he may not get to it.

Sometimes I feel like a schizophrenic father.